Sitting. Waiting. Wishing. Jack Johnson wrote those words; but i think they ring true for all of us. It represents a specific feeling that we all can relate to, and i don't think anybody can put a name to it. It's just a familiar feeling. Or maybe feelings. The closest i can come to naming it is "melencholy" but that just does'nt cut it. Maybe it's closer to "loneliness". No. What about "pensive"? I don't know. I do know i feel that way now, whatever it's called, both circumstantially and emotionally.
Sitting.
It's a quiet afternoon, and i'm sitting here on a stone bench underneath a canvas umbrella, surrounded by nature. Everything around seems green, even though this quiet, vernal glade is in reality just a small alcove with bushes surrounded by parking lot next to a doctor's office. It is peaceful though; the only sounds are birds singing and an industrial leafblower somewhere. I'm not doing all that much, i'm just writing slowly as i glance around occasionally, just taking in everything, and nothing. I'm just sitting.
Waiting.
The reason i'm here is pretending i have a peaceful existance is today my Mom had a doctor's appointment, and she asked me to drive her up there. I'm just waiting on her to get finished so i can go back to my hectic life. Not really, though. I'm content to sit here for a while longer, not waiting on my Mom, but on God.
Wishing.
What am i wishing for? I'm not sure. I know God is sure, though. I'm not worried about it. He'll do what's right for me. I'm still trying to verbalize what i'm wishing for, though. I guess this shows that i don't trust Him like i should. I'm more concerned about getting my 1/10 cent in to God than i am with just doing... nothing, but wait on Him. I will work on that, though. So for now, Lord, help me be, just, wishing. And waiting. Just waiting and wishing while i sit here. Just Sitting, Waiting, Wishing.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Monday, September 1, 2008
define life: wonderful, awful, great, sad, lonely, full, miserable, joyful...
Mmh, life's simple pleasures. I just spent the day enjoying them. Talking to good friends, listening to the bright fullness of my guitar, watching the rain coming down, tasting the sharp sweet sting of a frozen popsicle, laughing at a stupid joke on my favorite sitcom, remembering a song and the memories that went with it from so many years ago, and many other such things. One thing i am is grateful for where i am in life, i know that it's right where God wants me. I could have ended up anywhere, anytime in the world that God wanted me, but he wanted me here, and i'm grateful he has placed me here. Bethany has said something that makes sooo much sense, though: "I don't expect life to be easy. It hasn't been so far and i'm not holding out for smooth sailing in the future. Not everyone likes this philosophy, but it makes sense to me because when life hits and skids, i don't have to regroup like the people who walk around like life owes them a joyful existence. Life is hard, but then if it was easy, it wouldn't be any fun!" How true that is! Now, i love my life. It's never easy, but that's just life, isn't it?
Friday, August 22, 2008
A lot of thoughts, and Spencer Chamberlain
Wednesday, August 20th, 2008 - journal entry at 1:40am, typed to PC on Monday, August 25st, 2008, 9:43 pm
Life is different tonight, and i'm not sure what it is.
Maybe it's the late hour that i'm writing this.
Maybe it's a renewed sense of how precious family and close friends are.
Maybe it's experiencing firsthand watching a family member's life crumble after the loss of a loved one and experiencing secondhand the pain she is going through.
Maybe it's finally figuring out that things are more complicated than i could have ever imagined with so many people that i call friends
Maybe it's knowing a smile is sometimes just like makeup, covering up the pain that lies just behind the surface of a close friend that we thought we knew well.
Maybe it's all these things
Maybe it's none of of them, something else entirely, or possibly just entirely made up from a conglomeration of other feelings i can't put a name to. By the time you read this, i'll probbably be feeling entirely different, maybe happy, sad, indifferent, angry, confused, or a million others. I only know how i feel right now, though, and so i want to unpack this and diagnose it, and other mixed metaphors. Maybe it will help you and i understand more efficiently if we can get a grasp on where i am at the moment. Picture this: i am sitting on my couch upstairs with a tiny lamp on, writing feverishly with my blue mechanical pencil in my large brown fabric notebook with 30 pockets and over 300 notepages in it, listening to "Reinventing Your Exit" by UnderØath with my mp3 player stuck in a side pocket of my all-encompassing notebook, observing how my thoughts are getting more and more jembled and less and less cogent as the clock edges towards 2 am, and wishing i could scream like Spencer Chamberlain :-P Well i guess this is life, awful, painful, stark, warm, wonderful, and beautiful, all at once. Praise God for creating such an amazing existance for all of us!! I think now my mind is not so much melancholy as it is just plain tired, which one one hand demonstrates how feelings change in just the time it took for me to write this and are therefore not something to base anything onbecause who wants to rely on something so transient? of course, that is what we as people do, quite habitually actually. This is one of the reasons society today is so messed up, and even though i know the Bible hgas much to say about this, i feel too complacent to go look it up. Hmmm.... see i fall into this trap often, myself... oops, skipping back to where i was before i went off on this rant. Where was i, now... Oh yeah. On the other hand, as i was saying, it also demonstrates how in just 30 minutes or so my pen can go from weighing..however much it weighs, to weighing over 15 pounds, and i can go from thinking about life issues to thinking about Spencer Chamberlain. I think i'm going to stop now before i make even less sense than i already have. I apologize if i have confused you while reading this, that would make two of us. I hope you're having a wonderful whatever-time-of-day-it-is!
Life is different tonight, and i'm not sure what it is.
Maybe it's the late hour that i'm writing this.
Maybe it's a renewed sense of how precious family and close friends are.
Maybe it's experiencing firsthand watching a family member's life crumble after the loss of a loved one and experiencing secondhand the pain she is going through.
Maybe it's finally figuring out that things are more complicated than i could have ever imagined with so many people that i call friends
Maybe it's knowing a smile is sometimes just like makeup, covering up the pain that lies just behind the surface of a close friend that we thought we knew well.
Maybe it's all these things
Maybe it's none of of them, something else entirely, or possibly just entirely made up from a conglomeration of other feelings i can't put a name to. By the time you read this, i'll probbably be feeling entirely different, maybe happy, sad, indifferent, angry, confused, or a million others. I only know how i feel right now, though, and so i want to unpack this and diagnose it, and other mixed metaphors. Maybe it will help you and i understand more efficiently if we can get a grasp on where i am at the moment. Picture this: i am sitting on my couch upstairs with a tiny lamp on, writing feverishly with my blue mechanical pencil in my large brown fabric notebook with 30 pockets and over 300 notepages in it, listening to "Reinventing Your Exit" by UnderØath with my mp3 player stuck in a side pocket of my all-encompassing notebook, observing how my thoughts are getting more and more jembled and less and less cogent as the clock edges towards 2 am, and wishing i could scream like Spencer Chamberlain :-P Well i guess this is life, awful, painful, stark, warm, wonderful, and beautiful, all at once. Praise God for creating such an amazing existance for all of us!! I think now my mind is not so much melancholy as it is just plain tired, which one one hand demonstrates how feelings change in just the time it took for me to write this and are therefore not something to base anything onbecause who wants to rely on something so transient? of course, that is what we as people do, quite habitually actually. This is one of the reasons society today is so messed up, and even though i know the Bible hgas much to say about this, i feel too complacent to go look it up. Hmmm.... see i fall into this trap often, myself... oops, skipping back to where i was before i went off on this rant. Where was i, now... Oh yeah. On the other hand, as i was saying, it also demonstrates how in just 30 minutes or so my pen can go from weighing..however much it weighs, to weighing over 15 pounds, and i can go from thinking about life issues to thinking about Spencer Chamberlain. I think i'm going to stop now before i make even less sense than i already have. I apologize if i have confused you while reading this, that would make two of us. I hope you're having a wonderful whatever-time-of-day-it-is!
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Flashing lights, theology, and What I Should Have Said
Wednesday, August 20th, 2008 - journal entry at 12:25 am, typed to PC on Thursday, August 21st, 2008, 4:58 pm
_______________________
Well my friends, after over 6 months without a post on this blog, i am coming back with a bang, cymbals crashing and lights flashing, and the band playing..!..! Well.. not really. I am going to try to post more, though, even if you and i are the only ones reading this. It helps me organize my thoughts, you know, and if you know me you know that i am somewhat of a quirky character and that if i dont have my thoughts together i end up looking like a fool and probably making you uncomfortable as well. Okay, okay, so i rambled a little bit there, hope that's ok with you. I find myself doing that often, especially right now - it's 12:30 am and i'm not even writing this on my computer yet but in a notebook. Well i'm not sure what i'll be posting here, maybe a quotation of what i dp during the day, which as my friend Brandon says is always "interesting". I hope he's right, otherwise i will be boring you and wasting my time. I think i'll write my sad attempts at understanding psychology, philosophy, and theology, and maybe, just maybe, i won't be too off base and might help you and i understand more about such matters once they are able to be read over and taken in at once instead of having to sort through a jumbled mess of thoughts bit by bit as they pour out of my head, through my hand, onto the paper, and finally onto the keyboard. Ok back to what i'll write about: i'm also a songwriter, so more than every once in a while you might have to put up with a random song or four. Ok now, above all, i seek to glorify God in all i do, say, think, and write, (even though i do a terrible job at it apart from the grace of God) ao hopefully this blog will reflect that. If it doesn't, there is always grace in the form of biblical correction, which i hope you will bring to me if i ever stray from emulating Godliness here, (or anywhere else for that matter) which i'm sure i've done even in this post. Once i see past my pride, unclench my fist, and dig the log out of my own eye i will thank you profusely for it :-P Well i think i have run out of things to say on a post that should have just read : "Hey guys, i'm back, check back here if you want to read more posts!". I guess i just wanted to be profound or something, even though it didn't really work. Ah, congrats to you if you have read this far down without skipping anything, overlooking the atrocious run-on sentences like this one and all the grammatical errors. Now that i've sold this blog to you just oh-so-convincingly i think i will leave you with that touch of sarcasm and what i should have said, again:
Hey guys, i'm back, check back here for more posts!
On your screen, behind sunglasses, sometimes outside of reason, and always in Christ,
Nathan Dowdy
There. Now i AM back with a bang.
_______________________
Well my friends, after over 6 months without a post on this blog, i am coming back with a bang, cymbals crashing and lights flashing, and the band playing..!..! Well.. not really. I am going to try to post more, though, even if you and i are the only ones reading this. It helps me organize my thoughts, you know, and if you know me you know that i am somewhat of a quirky character and that if i dont have my thoughts together i end up looking like a fool and probably making you uncomfortable as well. Okay, okay, so i rambled a little bit there, hope that's ok with you. I find myself doing that often, especially right now - it's 12:30 am and i'm not even writing this on my computer yet but in a notebook. Well i'm not sure what i'll be posting here, maybe a quotation of what i dp during the day, which as my friend Brandon says is always "interesting". I hope he's right, otherwise i will be boring you and wasting my time. I think i'll write my sad attempts at understanding psychology, philosophy, and theology, and maybe, just maybe, i won't be too off base and might help you and i understand more about such matters once they are able to be read over and taken in at once instead of having to sort through a jumbled mess of thoughts bit by bit as they pour out of my head, through my hand, onto the paper, and finally onto the keyboard. Ok back to what i'll write about: i'm also a songwriter, so more than every once in a while you might have to put up with a random song or four. Ok now, above all, i seek to glorify God in all i do, say, think, and write, (even though i do a terrible job at it apart from the grace of God) ao hopefully this blog will reflect that. If it doesn't, there is always grace in the form of biblical correction, which i hope you will bring to me if i ever stray from emulating Godliness here, (or anywhere else for that matter) which i'm sure i've done even in this post. Once i see past my pride, unclench my fist, and dig the log out of my own eye i will thank you profusely for it :-P Well i think i have run out of things to say on a post that should have just read : "Hey guys, i'm back, check back here if you want to read more posts!". I guess i just wanted to be profound or something, even though it didn't really work. Ah, congrats to you if you have read this far down without skipping anything, overlooking the atrocious run-on sentences like this one and all the grammatical errors. Now that i've sold this blog to you just oh-so-convincingly i think i will leave you with that touch of sarcasm and what i should have said, again:
Hey guys, i'm back, check back here for more posts!
On your screen, behind sunglasses, sometimes outside of reason, and always in Christ,
Nathan Dowdy
There. Now i AM back with a bang.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
something deep? maybe...
well it seems like everybody else is posting deep things on their blogs so i think i'll take a shot at it - one of the things that's been running around in my head is why cant friends trust each other? i have many good friends but i always feel that i cant open up to them because what i say will be told to Joe Blo down the street. And i'm not at all sinless in this - time after time i find myself saying "hey did you hear what So-and-so said? omg i laughed so hard when he said that..." and what i share may not have been said in confidence but was at least understood that if this was said it would hurt the person that said it. Guys this is sad - i constantly slap myself for this. on Facebook today i looked on my profile and it showed one of the questions for my social profile - "is Nathan trustworthy?" it said. That hit me hard because i cant say that i am. i mean i feel like a sink with a leaky drain seal - people keep throwing secrets on me and even though i keep most of them every so often one or two will leak out and end up hurting people. Guys if i've violated your trust in any way please accept my apology!
anyway back to earth - i'm pretty jazzed because frisbee is tonight!!! should be a blast! other than that things have just been the same as usual :-p till next time yall
anyway back to earth - i'm pretty jazzed because frisbee is tonight!!! should be a blast! other than that things have just been the same as usual :-p till next time yall
Thursday, February 14, 2008
so i'm back, for a little while anyway...
well i'm posting here again, completely sporadically i know, so dont hope for another post for a while... (read my reasons why below) Ahh, so i'm going to give you an overview of how my life has been this past little while... good, to sum it up. There ya go. day to day things fluctuate, somedays suck and others are truly awesome, just depends... mostly life has been talking on gmail with everybody, helping my dad adjust to life on crutches, working on graphic design projects, long walks to church, and phone calls from friends. Not too bad, considering! Nothing deep here, i've just been trying to enjoy life as much as i can :-D soo i guess that wraps up this post except for a picture :-D
These men are concreting solid steel pillars to stop vehicles from parking on the pavement outside a sports bar downtown. They are cleaning up at the end of the day.
How long do you think it will be before they realize where their vehicle is parked?
These men are concreting solid steel pillars to stop vehicles from parking on the pavement outside a sports bar downtown. They are cleaning up at the end of the day.
How long do you think it will be before they realize where their vehicle is parked?
Sunday, January 13, 2008
hey hey hey
well i'm posting again!!!! isnt it awesome? So the reason i havent posted is that my firwall has been restricting my site and i still havent gotten it figured out so i doubt i'll be posting again for a while - you can always email me and i'll tell you what's going on in my life :-p so today i had sooo much fun - Justin and G came over to hang at my place then we went to grab some pizza and after that we played frisbee and then played football... and now i think i'm going over to a friends house to play music for a while so i'm pretty happy... and i'm talking to two friends right now :-0 ahh so my life is pretty good right now - thats all i'm going to say now except that i've been enjoying reading everybody elses Blog (even if Chels calls me a blog stalker!) Till lata yall...
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