A lot of thoughts, and Spencer Chamberlain

Wednesday, August 20th, 2008 - journal entry at 1:40am, typed to PC on Monday, August 25st, 2008, 9:43 pm

Life is different tonight, and i'm not sure what it is.

Maybe it's the late hour that i'm writing this.

Maybe it's a renewed sense of how precious family and close friends are.

Maybe it's experiencing firsthand watching a family member's life crumble after the loss of a loved one and experiencing secondhand the pain she is going through.

Maybe it's finally figuring out that things are more complicated than i could have ever imagined with so many people that i call friends

Maybe it's knowing a smile is sometimes just like makeup, covering up the pain that lies just behind the surface of a close friend that we thought we knew well.

Maybe it's all these things

Maybe it's none of of them, something else entirely, or possibly just entirely made up from a conglomeration of other feelings i can't put a name to. By the time you read this, i'll probbably be feeling entirely different, maybe happy, sad, indifferent, angry, confused, or a million others. I only know how i feel right now, though, and so i want to unpack this and diagnose it, and other mixed metaphors. Maybe it will help you and i understand more efficiently if we can get a grasp on where i am at the moment. Picture this: i am sitting on my couch upstairs with a tiny lamp on, writing feverishly with my blue mechanical pencil in my large brown fabric notebook with 30 pockets and over 300 notepages in it, listening to "Reinventing Your Exit" by UnderØath with my mp3 player stuck in a side pocket of my all-encompassing notebook, observing how my thoughts are getting more and more jembled and less and less cogent as the clock edges towards 2 am, and wishing i could scream like Spencer Chamberlain :-P Well i guess this is life, awful, painful, stark, warm, wonderful, and beautiful, all at once. Praise God for creating such an amazing existance for all of us!! I think now my mind is not so much melancholy as it is just plain tired, which one one hand demonstrates how feelings change in just the time it took for me to write this and are therefore not something to base anything onbecause who wants to rely on something so transient? of course, that is what we as people do, quite habitually actually. This is one of the reasons society today is so messed up, and even though i know the Bible hgas much to say about this, i feel too complacent to go look it up. Hmmm.... see i fall into this trap often, myself... oops, skipping back to where i was before i went off on this rant. Where was i, now... Oh yeah. On the other hand, as i was saying, it also demonstrates how in just 30 minutes or so my pen can go from weighing..however much it weighs, to weighing over 15 pounds, and i can go from thinking about life issues to thinking about Spencer Chamberlain. I think i'm going to stop now before i make even less sense than i already have. I apologize if i have confused you while reading this, that would make two of us. I hope you're having a wonderful whatever-time-of-day-it-is!